By Asyraf Zulkipli
It was yet another barren, ice-cold night. I had found myself falling into a few familiar yet ultimately destructive habits, my mind eager for its daily scrape of escapism. It is always in these moments that my self-awareness disappears, almost as though my body is drowning itself in a delusional whorl, all in an effort to forget about the struggles of my daily life, even for just a second.
It was during this uneventful moment that I came across a peculiar song on my YouTube feed. The first thing that caught my eye was the thumbnail. It depicted a man lying on the snow, smiling to himself with a whimsy akin to the joy of a five-year-old. He seemed undisturbed by the snow all around him. I clicked on the video instantly, and I connected to the song right away. It had captured a resonance within me as I found a tune that was true to my current circumstances. By no means, however, was it the only such song, as it was a treasure among countless others I've appreciated before.
The song begins with a cavalcade of guitar strings, followed by the lull of a calm and compassionate voice that sings the first few lyrics, "I've known the cold for so long, that I've become a stranger to love. And so my branches of sanity feel bare." In an instant, it sort of induced a stranglehold sensation in my chest, and my heart began to sink. The song progresses; a crescendo of guitar, piano and what sounded like bells chiming all working in magnificent unison, leading to a part of the chorus that goes like this: "When I'm frozen cold, through the night and more. I will always know, you will keep me warm." When this part of the song played, it took me back to a few places and/or moments in my mind which, for the longest time I had tried to lock up, out of a fear of confronting my traumatic past. But unexpectedly, the images that my mind decided to play were those shown perfectly by the lyrics; of memories and the gathering of loved ones that bestowed upon me a sense of unmatched warmth. Before long, tears had started to fall along my addled cheeks.
What truly made this song remarkable to me was its message of self-compassion. At the end of the pre-chorus, for example, the lyrics change to impress upon the listener that there are two characters seemingly engaged in conversation, but in actuality it’s simply one talking to himself:
“I long for the warmth of your embrace
’Til then I will keep you warm and safe”
It is almost as though the singer acknowledges his longing for another person’s warm embrace, yet at the same the singer wishes to ensure this other person is warm and safe as well. I interpreted the lyrics as our deep wish to have the unlovable parts of us acknowledged equally and validated just as much as the parts of us that make us truly wonderful. Whether that'd be something we’re insecure about, our physical appearance, our faulty core beliefs etc. The song's narrative, shifting between a longing for external warmth and a commitment to providing solace from within, mirrored a profundity in acknowledging and embracing all facets of oneself, even the ones we may deem unlovable or the parts of our past that we may intentionally lock away.
One memory that I had tried to move away from involved an emotional low point of my life; one that saw me having a panic attack before a major event which caused me to lock myself up in a bathroom stall for 45 minutes so that others wouldn't see the mess I was in. I remember just feeling so devastated during that time, as it was just before something I had looked forward to for a while. Initially when I first heard the song, I questioned why my mind decided to play this specific memory. It was then that the below lyrics played out:
“When my heart is cold
When it’s ice and snow
I will always know
You will keep me warm”
It instantly reminded me of a phone conversation I had with my best friend inside said bathroom stall. That specific memory easily recalled the comfort and warmth that my best friend gave me during such a daunting and dark moment of my life. Sure, I may have suffered that anxiety-inducing panic attack but what followed was the realization my best friend was there for me. I don't remember exactly what we talked about as it was nearly 4 years ago now, but I do remember how it made me feel. Our conversation was the core part of the memory that simply made the experience better and okay.
Simply listening to the song in my bedroom allowed me to recontextualize the meaning of otherwise dreadful experiences into ones that I genuinely appreciate and cherish. And I’m sure there are countless other experiences in which instances of meaning changed for the better.
Even though my best friend and I may not be as close as we were before, that never changed the meaning of the moments we spent together in the past. Realizing this single-handedly removed the barrier of so many memories and/or moments that I intentionally locked away. I know now regardless of whatever happens to the people in my life, whether we go our separate ways, or no longer see eye-to-eye, it doesn’t discard the warmth that their company and presence gave me when we were together. Maybe this was what made me cry: The revelation that I no longer need to look back on my past with regret and/or shame.
Can you just imagine listening to a random song and having such an overwhelming emotional experience play out like it did? I knew then and there, within the confines of my dark bedroom, that the song had awakened something profound within me. As I sat there, I felt a newfound sense of clarity and acceptance: that the song had not just offered solace for the moment but had sparked a lasting shift in my perspective. From then on making me appreciate the beauty in embracing my past with understanding rather than with sorrow. The song was akin to the experience of when I first heard the likes of Frank Sinatra's “Fly Me to the Moon,” Gene Wilder's “Pure Imagination” and Lauv's “Paris in the Rain,” all of which served as integral emotional discoveries that often taught me new revelations about myself and the world around me.
However this time, having discovered this beautiful song during arguably one of the lowest points of my life, it was the salve that offered what genuine self-compassion looked like. Does it immediately relieve all of the struggles I'm going through right now? Of course not, but it certainly allowed me to make sense of my past in a more compassionate manner, and that was enough to make the dark corners of my room just a bit brighter.
I now make it an item on my bucket list to one day lie on a field of freezing snow and have someone capture a rare image of me smiling, just as the singer did for his thumbnail. It looks fun and makes for a good profile picture, I’d like to think. Plus, I’d love to see myself smile more, something I couldn’t say before.
Sam Ock - Keep Me Warm https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=66tfZ3CdviU
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