Moving forward with amnesia

Assalamu’alaikum and hello;

I’m here to share about my recovery journey.

I dont know where to start exactly, but a bit of my history is that I have been diagnosed with social anxiety since 2016, according to my records.

Fast forward to early 2023, I lost most of my memories and the only thing I remembered was when I was in sixth form in Maktab Duli (2013-2014). They were blurry recollections at best.

I do not and cannot remember anyone.

From my psychiatric records, my doctor told me that I have been depressed since 2020, and with the addition of my heavy amnesia, I ‘attempted’ (if you know what I mean). This resulted in even more meetings with my psychiatrist.

My depression didn't get me anywhere, especially with daily suicidal thoughts which convinced me I’m better off gone from the face of the world.

I work as a government officer and what I do is what I have always wanted to be. The joy and interest of working in this field is fading however. So now, I labour just to get by and survive. I do get distracted from my loud, overactive thoughts when I work as I have people I talk with but then it’s just that at the end of the day, I am back to dealing with my thoughts.

Living with this condition for a whole year left myself feeling so empty. What is more is that, mental health problems in guys are commonly ignored due to the unhelpful cultural stereotype that ‘men should be strong’. In my head however, me trying to continue living despite wanting to 'unalive' is true strength.

BUT here’s where I started to turn everything over positively. Positive that is, for a 26 year old male with depression and 8-9 years of lifetime amnesia.

How did I turn things around positively? I started slowly. Every morning after I woke up, I used to always think, ”I wish I didn't wake up today”

BUT now I added something more empowering to it which is, ”oh well, let's make the best out of today”.

By affirming positive reinforcements to myself daily instead, I began seeing more possibilities.

Despite 'having' depression, I also began choosing to live happily. Depression is not what you see outside, but it’s what’s inside. Externally, I always choose to appear like a normal happy person in front of my coworkers because I do not want to share my own issues, which I thought could have been contagious.

What if someone ‘tegur’ me in public? Yes, there have been many occasions people called out my name and said they know me, but unfortunately, I don't know them. I can only say sorry. Sometimes, all these occurrences made me curious about what kind of person I was and how others knew me. These events triggered my state of overthinking. It’s beyond my control when this happened, but I could recover myself slowly.

The greatest lessons I have learnt from my condition is that despite not recalling what happened to me, I could still choose to live in the present and be happy with it. Your life, your peace is my motto here. I highly recommend disregarding what others might think of you. They only judge for what they know of your life on the surface, but they are not the ones living your life. Love yourself and move forward.

Here are my words to remember me by, in case I ever forget:

"The world doesn’t stop if you stop, it keeps on moving. So don’t rush, take your time to regain yourself back. In my case, I stopped due to my amnesia. I kept on trying to remember things from my past but it didn’t help me much with my ongoing life. Begin to move forward slowly but live in the present"

Who knows, perhaps one day, I will remember if you ever say them to me!

Thank You for reading.

- Rafee’

PS: I found your page from Linkedin and Instagram :D